Genesis - Cycle One - 3204-3643 - Va Yishlach

Many of us love God. We love each other. But do we really embrace our love, own up to it? Yes, we pray, meditate, do the right things. But we’re busy. We get used to a certain way with God, only so deep.

This is sad. It feels like a lie. It can lead to more lies that wreck our health, steal years from our lives, stop us dead like a deer in the headlights. Of course, we don’t want to admit the loss of a year or two, five, ten, thirty, the clinging to our fear.

Then, one day, we see. The truth winks at us. Strangers or angels magically appear. We wake to a point on our bodies (like a chakra), a change in name, a struggle, a touch, a glance so real you can’t act outside yourself, not anymore. Vision brings release, pain and joy, an opening heart, the gates to God. Rumi says…as you live deeper in the heart, the mirror gets cleaner and cleaner.

Still, many of us keep clinging to the mess.

I had a mess recently. I have an old house. No garbage disposal. Therefore, about once a year the kitchen sink gets clogged. Water leaks from the bottom of the dishwasher onto the floor. Children walk in. Children walk out. We mop but soon there are paw prints on the linoleum, damp towels, and a slow count to the arrival of the handyman.

The name of my handyman is Edward. Last project he was not dependable. At first, he was busy helping at food banks. Then, he disappeared. He was depressed; his girl friend had left him. He was shocked when I called him this time. He owed me one though.

He came from Cave Junction then had to drive back to Cave Junction because he forgot his “snake”. He found a disposal on sale and I agreed to make the leap. Per usual, he was hopping around talking about his projects but now he was smiling crazily. Life was good. His girlfriend was back. All I could do was pray she would stay for at least the next few days.

“She said…I want to live in your house this moment.”
“That’s great.”
“She said… I’m going to marry you Edward.”
“That’s great.”
I said:
“I don’t want to marry anyone.”

Edward’s smile went splat on the floor. The stasis in the kitchen smelled rank. I didn’t care about the mess anymore. Or maybe I did. That’s because it had traveled from the sink to my mouth. Truth was, my boyfriend of two years had said those words to me. But they didn’t feel like mine. I wanted to justify my comment. But even if I could get God to bless it, the blessing may as well be bought from Bi mart. How long had I been lying to myself?

Let’s look at Jacob. He certainly lies to himself as well.

First, in Vayishlach, Jacob sends word to Esau: I have been staying with Laban and have delayed my return until now. Is this really the story? Jacob doesn’t delay anything. Laban manipulates him. So, how desperate is Jacob to think those years are his? He’s not only lying to Esau but to himself.

The lies feed the fear and so on. Jacob is very frightened of Esau. In Vayetze he is frightened of God. So even though the fear feels doubled, the emphasis is on the earthly (not the divine). Then (not surprisingly) Jacob divides himself in two. Abraham divides his forces to conquer. There’s a difference between that and dividing forces to protect. Jacob is clearly torn between the Shechinah (as it says in the Zohar) and below. For some reason he thinks there’s an either/or conundrum here. And even though he’s blessed he’s too frightened to be true to the prophet in himself… to manifest the sacred linking of all light.

We see more lies when Jacob prays. He does not say that he loves God or give thanks. Instead, he says (for one line) that he is small next to God’s compassion. Then he starts asking for help. He uses the generational perks, Abraham and Isaac.

The lies are symbolic in the scene with the slaves. Jacob tells them what to say to Esau. This can’t stay clean. Despite the request, there will be many words, many stories. The fact that Jacob follows up the groups means that he wants to protect not only his clan, but these stories, these lies to himself.

All of this culminates in the wrestling match with the angel. God wants Jacob to accept. But this doesn’t happen. First when the angel says Jacob won we know he has also lost. God is above both winning and losing. What’s nice is that God is trying to give Jacob confidence…like we might with a child. The fact that Jacob is given the name Israel (to wrestle) means that the wrestling must continue: the divine is not yet embraced. Jacob’s need to know the angel’s name also shows distance. We have no permanent names. They change according to the service we are commanded to do in the mission upon which we are sent (Rashi). Then, Jacob asks for a blessing like it’s a new car or a camel. And finally, he once again has to give the place credit, rather than himself. He names it Face of God. If Jacob gets closer here, I don’t see it. I see that God tries to bring him the inner strength to connect (an act of love) but Jacob clings to his mess, per usual. The lies continue. When Esau kisses Jacob there are stars (or dots) above the word, to kiss. Given the parasha as a whole this shows the half intention of both brothers. Then, when Jacob says that

God has favored him, there is a nun missing in the word to favor. So, does Jacob really believe he is favored? A nun is also missing from the word to give when Jacob’s sons offer the daughters to the town of Shechem. A nun represents the number 50…and there are 50 kabalistic gates to God. Therefore, by taking the nun out of both words, lies to men are drawn to lies about God and the gates seem to be diminished.

These are only examples. Here’s the beauty though. God does not give up on Jacob. God stays. God is in the messengers (the angels), in the white space between the groups sent to Esau, in the angel that wrestles with Jacob, in the hip sinew. The root for hip sinew is the same as to spring. So all of these crises lead to a bouncing off place. And finally, the focus is to prepare us for Joseph. God is with this family, with Jacob and his sons, with us.

You never know when it will be time to wrestle. It can be in the strangest moments. When I think of my boyfriend (then) I don’t know about his self-lies. When I catch mine I feel shaken. I want to whisper, this is me, God. Please forgive the me who hides from herself and from You. And when we whisper our love, that most sacred truth, we hear the chime of the whole world opening, each leaf, each blade of grass, the eyes of our children, the heart of the dead, our hearts, the heart of God. As Rumi says…a star in your chest says, none of this is outside you…

As for Edward, may he continue to be a messenger. May we all be messengers, patient and caring. May we live with integrity. May we remember that the greatest truth is connection. May we embrace our love for God. May we be in the image of God and not give up on each other. And may we learn to accept the prophet in ourselves, our beauty, our amazing light, even as we wrestle with angels.