Sh'lach
The other day I went out for a run on the same path. On this day though I didn’t turn around. I decided to keep running up. The air changed.
The trees changed. I could see more sky. It was widening before me. Where it
was steep I went slower and where it was even I charged ahead. Soon the hitting of my feet on the dirt road
created a drum beat in my mind and there wasn’t a choice of pace or placement
of my body anymore. The rhythm was the law. I was breaking physical limitations without
thought, without logical organization, without strategy or inner complaint. I
ran and ran past evergreen and boulders past sharp turns and poison oak, past
wildflowers that were blue, purple, red. I ran past the past and the future, past
heartbreak and joy, past flattery and nastiness, past my own yearnings, my
mortgage, my gifts, my kisses, my parents and even my children. I ran past people
walking, people heading down, people standing to the side resting. There wasn’t
a question of from or to. The action itself, inner and outer,
was bringing me to a place of light. It was that simple.
I imagine if someone…or my own voice…told me I would be
exhausted afterwards and stiff I might have listened. But maybe not. Voices can say much and one thing I’ve learned
in life is that when one demands a blocking-off of spirit, of need to run, of
need to fly…. I do not follow. If it comes from a human, a friend or even a mate,
I look carefully at our connection. How often does this person try to keep me
from exploring my edge? Why? Is this the voice I want in my life? What are
these monsters this voice is mentioning? Will they harm me? Does it make sense
to fear giants in this oh so close paradise? And if there are monsters…even if
there are...disgusting traps…then don’t we still have the promise of Hashem that
he will lead us?
The road to consciousness though is not only a daily run. It
is made of delicious pathways, intricate vessels, blood vessels, heart
sacrifices, twists and turns, gossamer webs, underground tunnels, succulent openings of each pore, our breath. Consciousness
therefore is not an easy place to enter, let alone march
into with our hordes. Our family and
friends. The whole community. And it’s even harder when you are closer. This is
why, when Moses is close, he sends spies to check out the situation. But
Nahmanides asks, why the need? He knows he’s going to the Promised Land anyway.
Why does he want to see if it’s suitable? Of course it is. God is bringing us
there. So (it seems) he’s looking for strategies of entry. Even that rational
approach however (according to Nahmanides) is not necessary. Faith is all we
need. You keep going and you know what to do. You realize in the moment. You don’t
need to organize or bring order to the entry. That is simply a sign of the same
voice-of-doubt that blocks it.
Doubt, I have seen, is often mistaken for the rational. The lack of belief in oneself, the continued
retention of resources, the hiding of the heart, the escaping from love,
the slamming down of women by women, men
by men, the continued attempts to waylay oneself or others, the nasty comments or public humiliation or
gossip whether true or not…this is all caused by doubt. Doubt therefore is not rational. Not at all.
Doubt becomes exponential. It begins with home and self,
with self-loathing perhaps, or huge insecurity, physical or verbal abuse, negation of that same abuse, a trashing
of the same road that is the subject of
this parasha. Then it blossoms out and takes over a whole people. It causes
war, poverty, hatred. Soon it has
to be eradicated even if in the form of our very selves. We need to be re-born
beyond our bodies. And only then can we finally re-examine our entry to the
Promised Land.
We are on the edge of consciousness. We can feel the light
within, know that just another step, another mile maybe we will have arrived.
We are so close we can taste it, smell it in the palms of our hands, feel our
wings beginning to open, our hearts receiving the flood of vibrations. This is
not a dream. This is rational. This is you or me or all of us
moving beyond barriers with a simple act of faith. This is knowing that in the
end, it’s all in the laws given to us by God. The law is the rhythm. Halakah
trumps doubt and imagination, whether positive or negative. It creates a vessel
for the unknown, a badly needed vessel, and it’s one we can depend on. When we
are this close to consciousness then feel the tzitzit, do the tzitzit run up
the mountain. But know that what the tzitzit are about is not harsh
judgment, but supporting the wings of your soul. This is how God enables us to
take that final step over the edge whether it means physical death or a move to
the next town or a hand held out to the one who needs us.
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1 comments:
tears.
thank you, Chava
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